What the World Sees of You in Me

What the World Doesn't See of You in Me

This began as an online writing class I took called Writing in Grief. Each day for 30 days, we were given a prompt to write from.

The words are raw and full of pain, but they are honest. Our society expects grievers to hide their pain. Unfortunately, having to cover up only makes us feel worse - as if we have some horrible contagious disease, instead of a normal reaction to the loss of a beloved. With loss, the deeper the love, the deeper and longer lasting is the grief.

I'll begin this with yesterday's prompt which was, "How does the world see the shape of you (John) in me?" It's a letter to my husband.

My Dear John,

The world can't see the shape of you in me. 
This is because you were an accomplished, joyful, active person.
You knew how to take such great care of others
because you loved and took such good care of yourself.
I know you are disappointed in me, and I'm so sorry,
I'm  doing the best I can, but 
I am devastated.

I know you had higher expectations of me.
I can't make decisions.
I change my mind every five minutes.
I'm so confused.
I can't remember anything.
I don't know how to fill the time.
I am a zombie.

The truth is I feel like I am nothing without you.
I have become invisible and irrelevant.
I am like a broken shell on the beach 
The safe creature that dwelled there is long gone now.
Only echoes of the past remain in the broken shell.
I've lost any motivation to do anything.

I guess it was a mistake to make you my everything for 35 years
and not create much of a life of my own (like all my friends have).
I gave up so much to have the Fairy Tale with you.
And you never wanted me to, but I did, slowly as the years passed.
I never intended for it, but we ended up in an old-fashioned relationship. 
So very unfashionable.

None of the fairy tales tell what happens to the Princess
when Prince Charming dies.
I know you completed me.
But I'm starting to wonder if you made me instead.

I didn't work so we could travel.
I didn't have hobbies. You were my hobby.
The truth is I only really wanted to be with you, 
and you with me. 
I know my friends think it was kind of sick.
But I think we were lucky. How many people have that? 
I told a friend if I had to do it over, I'd do everything the same.
She looked at me like I was nuts.
Maybe I am.

Our coupleness was a bright star in the sky.
And when you lost your light, I lost mine.
And I can't get it back.
I don't know who I am or what to do without you.
I don't even know where to live.

Some part of me wants to go somewhere new
and start over, knowing absolutely no one.
Be alone in my sorrow in some lovely place
Where no one will feel obligated to like me,
unless they want to and not because they have to.
Maybe then I could make a few new friends
who will like me for the person I am now,
and not the person I was Before.

I want to honor your amazing life somehow.
But first I have to figure out how to honor myself.
I know that's all you would ever ask of me.
But it's a lot.

All my love forever,

Diane